Leap of Faith

In ten mere days I fly out of Korea! Ten days-where does the time go? Times when I miss my family, like this past weekend, creek by ever so slowly. Times when I am traveling with friends or teaching more enthusiastic kids fly by...

I was very excited to see my boyfriend, but I had a bit of a hard time returning from Laos. That is why I keep writing about it. The country captured my imagination. The Lao people were so relaxed and friendly. Historians estimate that the USA dropped more bombs during the "secret war" in Laos than we did in all of World War II, yet everyone there welcomes a well-intentioned traveler from any nation. I met few people who seemed really well off, yet no one seemed obsessed with brands and materialism like you see in the city of Seoul. I did meet one family at the airport on my way out of the country who appeared to be wealthy. They were flying to Bangkok for the family business, and wore obviously expensive jewelry. Their cute daughter approached me and so we spoke for a few minutes. They were very down-to-earth and friendly. The wife did not do the up-down visual examination of my clothes, shoes, jewelery, and body type that some of the snobby, noveau-riche Korean women do in Gangnam.
But my time left here in Seoul is fleeting. Soon after my return from Laos and then English camp, movers came. My boyfriend's company generously hires the Asian Tigers moving company to pack and ship the belongings of employees and dependants back to America. We decided that I narrowly qualify as a "common law" spouse, so I came with my stuff, too. It is all going to the same house (gulp), anyway. I tried to pare down my things,selling, giving away, and recycling all that I could. I did keep two binders of EFL materials just in case we ever end up living in Thailand. That's the germ of an idea we have for the future.
While traveling, I have really been trying to fight against the tyranny of ownership. Due to my love for change, hatred for high rents, and past tendency to chose the wrong man as a potential partner, I've moved many times since college. Eight times, I believe, counting moves to cheaper apartments within the same areas of Somerville/Cambridge (Mass). Packing up this past week, I was amazed by all the stuff I'd acquired! The first year I really tried not to accumulate anything, keeping my apartment sparse. This year I relaxed and indulged in a few more luxuries like a nicer hair dryer, a Scrabble game, a jewelery box, but I believed that I'd given most of these things away by moving day. I still have so much random STUFF. Does it breed in the night? Also, I have made it a point not to buy as much clothing as I would at home, particularly because I have lost weight here that I may regain when I return, with joy and zeal, to the American bread and potatoes diet. (Imagine the stretch marks! Damn.) Yet, when it came down to rolling my sweaters and shirts up into my battered suitcases, I really did (and do)own a lot of clothes.
I only brought or bought a few expensive items here-my leather jacket, the designer dress I bought for my father's wedding, my interview/funeral suit (Irish-catholic mothers tell you to be prepared for a funeral at any time), my summer suit (wedding suit),and a small Korean Ceylon vase. My boyfriend has invested in four good quality pieces of art and porcelain by Korean and Chinese craftsmen for his (soon to be our) house, but it didn't seem like much spread out over an apartment. He also has two suits for his job and a custom made tux he bought for my father's wedding, all of which came at a price. As we packed, we filled out the insurance forms for the movers. American businesses tell you not to under-estimate as things do at times get broken or ruined shipping to and from Asia, so we rounded up a little on each dollar. However, rounding aside, when we added it all up on a spreadsheet the belongings that we own together were valued at $22,222. Isn't that surreal (and lucky)? According to the US department of State 2007 statistics, the per capita income of people in Laos is $710. Yes, that would be seven hundred, not even thousand. What an insane disparity!
Theoretically, my cool boyfriend and I are getting married. When my last attempt at cohabitation fell apart under the strain of personality differences, opposing schedules, long-term financial worries, and his intense job stress, I promised myself I'd never move in with another man without a ring on my finger. The second year of that relationship felt like an audition for marriage, we both knew I wanted a family and I was never quite sure if I'd make the cut. And then when his job spiraled out of control (not his fault), he started to act more and more controlling with me (um, yeah, his fault). So I bailed. Thank God. But when many of your friends have 2.3 cute children peeking out at you daily from their Facebooook pages, ending up 33, broke, childless, and alone renting your friend's basement suhuuuuuuuucks. In the age of on-line social networking, it also feels like breakups are more public. Yet I knew even then that I was very lucky to have that generous friend with a basement, and my supportive family, to fall back on. Many women don't.
...So here I am, looking at Cohabitation-Take Two. The partners couldn't BE more different! Experience has given me some perspective, and much better taste. :) Trusting people has never been very easy for me, but sound realtionships demand trust. I've become less passive and more realistic about love. And I've decided to leave the past where it belongs...in the past! I have tried to be very clear with my partner about what I need, without being too demanding. We have some temperamental differences-so I have tried to be clear with him that I can be impatient and grumpy. By nature, I am a daydreamer and a little disorganized. I am 36 now (shh!) so that is unlikely to change much. I have shipped everything I own to our soon to be home. I just today sent out change of address notices to all my friends,colleagues, and many members of my large Irish-American family. The wheels of change are turning. Can I guarantee our success together? Honestly, there are no sure bets in modern relationships. Divorce abounds. Neither men nor women are necessarily bad, but both can be short-sighted and weak. All love demands some small amount of risk-taking.
However, I have a good feeling about this love. If you never take any risks, you never grow. I have decided to trust my instincts. Cross your fingers for us.

The "F" Word

Meaning the future, or course.
It's out there,looming,whether we like it or not. Even if we'd rather just ignore it and watch another downloaded, stellar episode of "the Wire." Or maybe just make some mandu for a snack, or just keep playing Scrabulous on-line...Or maybe just call...but, I digress.
Some thirtysomethings have this future planning thing down. They have five year plans, or ten year plans, or until their kids die of old age plans. I noticed in my twenties that Higher powers, The National Weather Service, and the IRS tended to mock the plans that I made. So, I have been sticking to the immediate future mostly. When I have the guts. Now, what was I trying to focus on? Oh, yeah, the future. The Future. Specifically, my future. Yep, it's churning towards me at a rapid rate. So, what am I doing about it?
Well: I know that there are FOUR THINGS I want in my future, in no particular order:
1. Writing. I've been doing it since I was eight years old and hopefully (:) ) I've improved a little bit with time. At least I've deleted all the unicorns and friendship pins. Currently, I am editing up some of my work and getting it out there to people who can shape, publish, or promote it. This, as any aspiring scribe knows, is an on-going process. On it goes.
2. My love. My boyfriend and I had one of those long, question-packed conversations about the future. Like your average American guy, conversations about the future make him look like he wants to throw up. (But before any bitter American men who fled the American woman in search of a better (milder?) model leave me harsh comments about women wanting to much...) I note, for the record, that no ultimatums were used by either party. It was not an argument. It was a conversation. I've grown up a little, learned a little, and chosen my partner better since the last time I tried to have one of those romantic "future" oriented discussions.
3. An English speaking country. I work at a great school, but it's just time. My new, adorable co-worker, six months out of teaching school, is so sweet and tries so very hard to communicate with me. And I have no idea what she is saying-ever! The fault in this is of course half mine, but the start of English in her classroom is a funny time. She tries very hard to make encouraging or helpful remarks to the students about English. Or she comes to me to borrow a stapler, and my Korean is so poor it takes me ten minutes to understand-oops! On the other extreme, even in my good little school, I work with the one older, male teacher who still thinks it's appropriate to make fun of "foreigners" in general (and we have two at my school now) in the English office. (Dude, if you're going to make those kind of "jokes" at least move it out of our assigned work space! :) ). Many people here are very patient with foreigners like myself in our pathetic attempts to butcher, I mean learn, their very different language. Unfortunately, today I had to co-exist the one guy who treats my language difficulties as an indication that I'm stupid. I won't miss his type.
4. Adopting a dog. The crazy, yappy puppy I adopted last year was a little high-maintenance, but getting a nice older dog from a shelter or teacher going over-sees sounds great to me. It does to my boyfriend, too. :) So, it's not exactly a blue print, but it's a start. I can start looking for jobs where I can do more writing.I can work with my boyfriend on making housing decisions in North America. I'll get there in time.